


Shores

by NightHeda



Category: The 100 (TV), clexa - Fandom
Genre: Clexa, F/F, Fluff, Sad Clarke, Sad Lexa, Sailor Lexa, captain lexa, clexa au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-14
Updated: 2017-07-26
Packaged: 2018-12-02 01:43:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 20,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11499129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightHeda/pseuds/NightHeda
Summary: Lexa is a captain, married to the sea. And Clarke... well, Clarke slowly but surely realizes she wants to be married to Lexa.Or: The one where two worlds collide in a difficult way.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear Reader, 
> 
> thanks for stopping by! :) In case this story looks familiar – I've published it on Fanfiction.net but I'm moving my stuff to AO3 now.  
> Feel free to comment or leave Kudos, or discuss this story or other things with me on [instagram](http://www.instagram.com/clexa_hedas)!
> 
> Happy reading! :)

A warm smile appeared on Lexa's face as she brushed her thumb over the anchor tattoo on her forearm. Of all tattoos, this was her favorite. It meant a lot to her, because it combined the two most important things in her life. It stood for her passion, the seafaring, but it also symbolized stability and strength, a _safe haven_.

She sighed as she pushed the door open to the harbor tavern and was instantly met with old rock music and the scents of tobacco and alcohol. She smiled. She loved it.

"Woods, good to see you made it home safe!" The bartender, Billy, greeted her as he opened a beer and slid it over the counter. Lexa nodded and took a large sip as he continued, "I heard the hauls were extraordinary again?"

Lexa lit her cigarette, "Yeah." She smiled, puffing out the smoke. The trip had indeed been successful, because she was good at her job. Because she loved it.

"Skip" Someone said in acknowledgement while walking by, and Lexa felt a rough slap on her shoulder and turned her head to see it had been one of her crew members, and nodded appreciatively.

The evening went on and Lexa had a few drinks and was challenged to a game of pool every once in a while, and as the trip's exhaustion finally kicked in, she emptied her last beer, waved the bartender goodbye and left the pub.

A few years ago, she had moved out of the small town house and had been living on her boat since. Other captains and fishermen had criticized her decision, stating that people of the sea needed a grounded home, a _land home_ , but she had shrugged it off and she had not once regretted her choice.

She walked up the small gangway and lit her last cigarette of the night, leaning her forearms down on the railing as she closed her eyes for a moment, deeply breathing in the salty air.

"Do you work on that boat?" Lexa jumped slightly and opened her eyes to see whom the raspy voice belonged to. Without noticing, she raised her eyebrow when she spotted a blonde woman on the dock below her who now cocked her head.

"Yeah" Lexa replied and took another drag.

"Why are you still on it in the middle of the night?"

Lexa let out a small laugh. "Because I also live on _that boat._ " She said, air–quoting the last two words.

The blonde woman's lips formed a smile, "Really?" and shifted from one foot to the other, "Can I... see it?"

The brunette raised her eyebrows in surprise. "You want to see the boat?"

"Yeah?"

"Well then... come up here– oh and be careful, the gangway is slippery."

Lexa held out her hand for the blonde to help her step over the gap between the gangway and the deck.

Taking another drag, she smirked when she saw the sparkle in the woman's eyes as she slowly walked around, taking in every detail her eyes could catch.

After a few minutes, Lexa flicked the stub away. "I'm Lexa." She said which caused the blonde to turn around, widening her eyes in slight shock. "Oh God, sorry! I'm Clarke... Jesus, I'm so impolite, walking around without even telling you who I am. Good Lord."

Lexa snorted in amusement. "You praise His Holiness up there a lot."

"I... yeah. I replaced all swear words with Bible characters a while ago."

"Why? Religious much?"

Clarke let out a raspy laugh and Lexa's heart skipped a beat at the unusual but beautiful sound. "Not really," the blonde said, "more like the opposite. I'm probably the most atheistic person you'll ever meet, I just tend to be..."

"Blasphemous."

Clarke's eyes widened, "Are you religious? God, I'm so sorry!"

"I'm sure _God_ will forgive you." Lexa laughed, "No, I'm not religious. I mean the thought of someone watching over us is quite comforting and I can see why so many people believe it." She calmly explained and Clarke cocked her head. "I don't know... the thought of someone watching me all the time is pretty creepy."

Lexa laughed again, "Yeah you're having a point here... Would you like to go under deck?"

"Uh..."

Lexa smirked. "Not like that! I mean would you like to see the rest of the boat?"

Clarke tucked her lips into a wide smile and nodded. "Watch your head" Lexa advised, pointing at the low doorframe and then showed Clarke the inside and left nothing out. She explained the basics in the engine room, she showed her the fish tanks and the cabins, some fishing tools on the deck and then climbed up to the bridge.

"... and this is, well, the steering wheel." She finished the tour, pointing at the large wheel. Clarke had been listening carefully but only remembered half of the things she had been shown.

"Thanks for that, Lexa, really!... I'm not gonna lie though, the only thing I remember are the nets and that wheel."

Lexa laughed. "You remember more than I did on my first day then!"

"When did you start working on a fishing vessel?"

"On my sixteenth birthday." Clarke raised her eyebrows, and Lexa continued, "And I'm twenty–seven now. As you can see, it's been a while."

Clarke nodded and she realized how intrigued she already was by Lexa. "I've always had a thing for fish–... fishing. I mean it's... romantic, isn't it?"

"You have a weird taste if you find piercing hooks through a squirming fish romantic."

Clarke grimaced. "Thanks for ruining this for me!... What's your boss like? No wait, it's captain. What's your captain like?"

Lexa tilted her head, "I don't know... what am I like?"

" _You're_ the captain?"

"Yep."

"Well you're..." Clarke faded out when dozens of words rushed through her mind that would describe Lexa. _Polite, beautiful, funny, smart, super attractive actually, I could get lost in your eyes and your lips..._ "cool." She said instead. "What's a life like if you live on a boat, and work on a boat? I mean isn't it super complicated to have a boyfriend?"

Lexa smirked, "I've never had the desire to have a boyfriend, so I wouldn't know." She paused to check her watch. "It's really late actually but if you'd like to get a proper answer to your question... how about you stop by tomorrow? I'll be here or in the pub so you won't miss me."

"I might miss you anyway." Clarke smirked and sent Lexa a suggestive wink. "But yeah sounds great! … see ya tomorrow then!"

And with that, she turned around and left, leaving a grinning Lexa behind. She knew exactly what kind of an effect she had on women but she usually didn't meet women who could keep up with her... and Clarke could definitely hold a candle to her with ease.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Lexa was checking the radar antenna on the mast which had been badly affected by a storm at sea during the last trip, when she spotted a blonde mane on the gangway.

"I'll be right there!" She yelled and laughed when Clarke slightly jumped but then looked up, waving at the brunette.

Clarke smiled at the sight. The picture of Lexa being this boat's captain made sense to her, as she watched Lexa carefully readjusting the antenna. She looked stunning, Clarke thought, with her long brown wavy hair in a high ponytail, the sleeves of her flannel rolled up and washed out skinny jeans tucked in black outworn converse high tops. She instantly spotted the tanned tattooed arms and felt her knees slightly weaken. She definitely dug women like... Lexa.

Lexa smoothly slid down the ladder and Clarke laughed. That was something she had only seen in movies before and she always wondered whether people were actually cool enough to do that in real life. Apparently, they were, and Lexa was one of them.

"Hey" the brunette smiled as she approached her. "Sorry I just have to make a phone call real quick, it won't take long." She gestured around, "Make yourself at..." she stopped in her motion, her arm still stretched out, and closed her hand at the realization that the deck was actually the most unfitting place to get comfortable at, "home." She finished and laughed. "You can also go inside, the dayroom might be a bit more comfortable."

Clarke nodded but walked to the railing instead, running her eyes over the calm blue sea below her.

"Look what I found!" She heard Lexa say a few minutes later and turned her head to see what Lexa had found and let out a raspy laugh when she spotted her, holding up two camp–chairs.

 

* * *

 

"May I bum one?" Clarke asked when Lexa lit a cigarette and the brunette held out the package and then carefully shielded the burning lighter so that Clarke could light her cig, too.

"So..." Clarke began, leaning back in her chair, "what is it about the fishing that attracts you so much?"

Lexa narrowed her eyes and remained silent for a while, letting her gaze wander along the horizon until she spoke, "It's not really the fishing. I mean it's a part of course, and I love the physical work that comes with it–"

Clarke gulped and her cheeks blushed when she pictured Lexa at that work, her muscles flexing as she pulled up a net or wiped some sweat off her forehead, and quickly shook those thoughts off to draw her attention back to Lexa's explanation, "but it's really the whole scenario. I mean, look..." she gestured over the sea in front of them, "Onshore you have people running around because they're late for work or they forgot to buy dog food, you have cars everywhere which bring pollution and noises with them. You have other noises, they're basically everywhere. On shore, it's one whole rush."

She smiled. "You don't have that at sea. It's the calmness that I find attracting. The peace. There's nothing like leaving the shore early in the morning, when the fog's just lifting..." she paused but sensed that Clarke was waiting for her to continue.

"You throw off your bow line and your stern... you head out to The Narrows," she pointed to the narrow passage that separated the harbor from the sea and Clarke's eyes followed the motion.

"Past Outer Battery Road where I skated as a kid and past Fort Amherst..." Clarke turned her head to face Lexa. There was so much love in her voice and Clarke already fought back a small tear of emotion about all the little details.

"You blow the horn and throw a wave to the lighthouse keeper's kid on Cape Spear." Lexa's smile slightly widened, her eyes still glued to the horizon.

"Then the birds show up... black backs, herring gulls, big dumb ducks," she laughed, "... the sun hits you... head North. Open up to 12 – steamin' now. The guys are busy, you're in charge..." Lexa lowered her gaze for a second and then looked right into Clarke's eyes, "Is there anything better in the world?"

They sat in silence for a while, until Lexa straightened her back and shifted a bit upwards in her chair, letting out a small laugh. "Did that answer your question?"

 

* * *

 

The women had talked about this and that, Clarke's job at the small local museum, about movies and about anything else that came to their minds, until Clarke had had to go home but they had agreed on meeting at Corbie's, the harbor tavern that Lexa haunted on most nights during her onshore stays in her small home town. It belonged to William "Billy" Reyes, who had named it after his daughter Raven, and since they had Scottish roots, he chose the Scottish name.

Raven and Lexa grew up together and Lexa had more or less lived with them, staying at their house whenever she couldn't handle her alcoholic mother's outbursts, which had been too often. Raven had moved to Boston shortly after her twentieth birthday though, and they had soon lost contact.

"Beer?" Billy asked while drying a glass, as Lexa sat down on one of the barstools. She nodded, smiling softly at the elder man behind the bar who now opened the bottle and handed it to Lexa.

"Make it two."

Lexa's smile widened at the voice of the beautiful blonde woman that now sat down next to her.

"Hey"

"Hey! Missed me?"

Lexa's cheek twitched into a smirk, "How could I not?" She winked at Clarke and added, "And you?"

Clarke raised an eyebrow and quickly nodded to Billy and took her beer, "No actually. I mean you're sitting right here, easy to spot."

There it was again, the sweet retort that Lexa could easily get addicted to. Clarke was different from other women, she just spoke her mind and was bold and kinky but she never made a person feel uncomfortable. Lexa simply enjoyed her company.

And she was sure that, in another life, where she was not married to the sea, she would want to lead a life with a woman like Clarke by her side.


	3. Chapter 3

"No way!" Lexa laughed.

"I swear!"

"You _really_ ran around in a chicken costume at your first job?"

"Hey, I had to pay college!" Clarke playfully pouted, crossing her arms.

"Right. That's reasonable then." Lexa straightened her face, only to burst out laughing again a second later.

She was sure that she had not laughed that much in her whole life as within the one hour with Clarke in the tavern.

"Can I ask you a question?" Clarke said after a while of letting Lexa come down from her fit of laughter and Lexa, still smiling, nodded while she grabbed the beer for another sip.

"Have you never thought about... well, being with someone?"

Lexa stopped with her bottle against her lips and raised an eyebrow, "I'm with a lot of someones during my breaks here." She joked and took a sip, but Clarke's smile faded as she shook her head.

"I mean seriously be with someone?"

Lexa set the bottle back down on the counter and started to peel off the sticker. "No, I... feel like bonding with someone would be..." she looked at Clarke and slightly narrowed her eyes, "unfair."

Clarke cocked her head.

"I mean... I'm never here, really, and I wouldn't want her to wait for me to come home." She took another sip and continued, "I don't want her to be alone for so long. Also..." she paused for a moment, "I don't want her to worry about me. People just deserve better than that, and it's something I cannot give."

Clarke had been listening carefully. She also had noted the female reference but the rest of what Lexa had said actually made her sad. She knew that Lexa had chosen this life voluntarily, a life of flings, a life filled with her passion and love for the sea, and it sounded like a good life, fun and easy, but Lexa's words proved that it was also a lonely life.

If she was being honest, Lexa's words also disappointed her because she had caught herself picturing _being_ with her and she had been wondering whether Lexa could be the woman in her life, but all hopes slowly died when she listened to Lexa.

"Don't look at me like that, Clarke. You're too beautiful for a wrinkled forehead." The brunette took another sip of her beer and smiled when Clarke's frowning faded and her lips formed a smile instead.

 

* * *

 

A few hours later, they more or less fell out of the bar while bursting into laughter again but Lexa was much more used to alcohol and although her brain was a bit clouded by the booze, she was still completely in control of her body and especially her thoughts, while Clarke simply enjoyed herself. Lexa's heartbeat sped up at the sight of the carefree happy blonde and she paused.

"Did you know that– Lexa?" Clarke stopped when she realized that Lexa had stopped walking and before she realized what was happening, she felt a hand on her arm, gently yet forcefully whirling her around, and the next thing she felt were soft lips passionately moving against hers as Lexa pressed her against the tavern's wall.

 

* * *

 

Clarke lifted herself onto her elbow, her hand supporting her head as her gaze slowly wandered up and down the tanned tattooed body of the brunette woman on the other side of the bed, still feeling the ghost of strong muscles under her hands.

"So..." Clarke began and Lexa turned to face her, "Am I one of your _someones_ now?" She smirked while Lexa's right cheek twitched into a small smile. She had known Clarke for one day now, but she knew she was different, and sleeping with the blonde had meant something to Lexa, although she did not really know what it was but she was definitely not _one of her someones._ But Lexa also knew that that was exactly how it seemed to Clarke.

She sighed. She wanted Clarke to know that this had not just been a usual one night stand for her because aside from the blonde's flawless body, it was especially the woman's mind that she found attractive and breathtaking actually, but at the same time she did not want to promise Clarke something she could not keep.

"I take that's a yes?"

Lexa shook her head. "No, I..." she narrowed her eyes and before she could stop herself, she heard the next words escape her mouth, "would you have coffee with me tomorrow?"

Clarke raised an eyebrow. "Is that a date?"

"Consider it a _Thank You_."

Clarke laughed. "For what, sending you over the edge three times?"

Lexa snorted and remained silent for a moment, carefully considering her words. "No, for being the person you are."

The blonde's face softened. However, she did not reply but leaned down for a soft kiss instead and her lips formed a small smile when she felt Lexa's hand cupping her face, and a thumb gently brushing over her cheekbone.

And when Clarke straddled Lexa and softly pulled her up into a sitting position, wrapping her arms around the back of the brunette's neck, Lexa forgot that she had vowed herself to never contemplate a relationship, vowed to never bond with someone, because something in Clarke's touch and kisses told her that the blonde was a woman she'd walk to the end of the world for, just because she was... who she was.


	4. Chapter 4

Lexa sighed and carefully got up to not wake Clarke, then put on some boy shorts and a wool long sleeve.

She took in a deep breath as she stepped out on the deck, feeling her lungs fill with salty air, and looked up at the star–studded sky.

The cool night air sent a soft shiver over her skin and she closed her eyes for a moment before walking towards the railing to lean down on it.

She had not been able to fall asleep because her thoughts kept wandering back to Clarke... she could still feel her lips on her own, and the marks the blonde had left on her back as she dug her nails into soft skin.

But she could also still hear Clarke's words. _Am I one of your someones now?_ She lowered her gaze to the dark blue sea below her and shook her head. _No, Clarke, you're not._ She thought and knew she was screwed. The fishing season was almost over and her hauls this year had been good but there was a new member in her crew who she knew was badly in dept and needed the money, and she had been playing with the thought of leaving the harbor one more time, but now that she had met Clarke, she wasn't so sure anymore.

She felt anger slowly boil up in her stomach at the thought of what the blonde might be doing to her, and what she might be doing to the blonde. She could not get attached to Clarke and, more importantly, she could not let Clarke get attached to _her_. She could not have Clarke beginning to care for her. She could not fall in love with her. She hit the railing with the palm of her hand. And she could not have _Clarke_ fall in love with _her_.

"Hey..." a soft voice said and a moment later, she felt warm arms sliding around her waist from behind.

"Why are you awake?" Lexa asked quietly, slightly turning her head but not enough to look at Clarke who shrugged.

"Woke up and you were gone, so I thought I'd check on you."

Lexa felt Clarke tighten her embrace a bit and sighed but remained silent, and Clarke sensed something was bothering the brunette.

"Care to share?"

"I..." she began, her gaze dropping to her tattooed forearms on the railing, "can't do that."

"Can't do what?" Clarke asked softly.

"... this. You, me... I can't help but think that you could be..." she stopped.

"The woman you described earlier?"

Lexa nodded. "Yeah... and it frightens me."

Clarke let out a small laugh and let go of the brunette. "Lexa... it was just a one night stand."

Lexa closed her eyes for a second and then turned around, brows furrowed. "That's what it was for you? I mean... yeah we were drunk and we only met yesterday and... It's just that for me, there was something, something more to it than just..." she let out a long breath, "It was just a one night stand, wasn't it?"

Clarke stood still for a moment but nodded. However, she didn't nod because it had been just that for her. She nodded because she knew what Lexa was so scared of and although she thought that it was worth the try to show Lexa that a different version of her life could be possible, she decided to soft–pedal her thoughts, at least for a while, at least until they knew each other a bit better.

"Let's go back to bed, okay? We can talk about this another time." Clarke offered and Lexa slightly raised her head, feeling a tiny spark of hope rushing through her mind. _We can talk about this another time_ echoed in her head, and she realized that sleeping with her might have actually meant something to Clarke, too. Maybe not the same as for Lexa, but something. She nodded and Clarke softly took her hand and pulled her back into Lexa's cabin.

They laid down and Clarke hesitated for a moment, but then moved closer to the other woman to gently wrap her arm around her. Lexa wouldn't notice but she smiled when she felt Clarke press her warm body into her back. And finally, softly stroking the blonde's arm that was holding her, she fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

"Skip, there's a– shit, sorry!" The man instantly covered his eyes at the picture before him when he approached Lexa's cabin.

Lexa immediately woke up and quickly pulled the blanket over Clarke's naked back.

"Mills, what the hell!" She hissed while getting up, and made her way to the door in a few swift steps to push him out of her cabin, gesturing for him to wait.

Closing the door, she sighed and turned around to a now awake Clarke who slowly sat herself up. She looked gorgeous, Lexa thought. She never stayed long enough to see the women she slept with wake up, and she couldn't help but smirk at Clarke's bed hair and the confused look on her face.

"Ugh, I'm so sorry about Miller. We kinda have an open door policy for emergencies, but they usually don't happen while we're... would you like a coffee first?"

Clarke who had knitted her eyebrows at one point during the brunette's rambling, clearly struggling to follow, nodded.

"Okay, um... I'll be right back, okay?" Lexa promised and a smiling Clarke nodded again and fell back onto the pillow.

Lexa however did not get up from the edge of the bed yet. Instead, she reached out to gently brush a strand out of Clarke's face. "You're beautiful when you wake up."

"You too" Clarke's smile slightly widened, "now go see that Miller dude because I think he needs you."

Lexa nodded, got up and opened the door. "Oh and Lexa?" She turned around. "Hurry because I need you, too." Clarke winked and then motioned for Lexa to run in a _Shoo!–_ gesture.


	5. Chapter 5

_The coffee on the nightstand went cold as tongues danced and limbs tangled._

"So what was Miller's emergency?" Clarke asked, tilting her head towards Lexa who raised her eyebrows.

"You... got off one minute ago and the first thing you want to talk about is Mills?"

Clarke laughed. "Yeah when you put it like that it sounds awkward, doesn't it?" She gently let her fingers dance over Lexa's tanned skin. "But there are other things that I'd like to talk about, too..."

"Nope! You totally killed the mood." Lexa laughed as well and rolled to her side, intertwining their fingers.

"Sorry but... you seemed a bit off when you came back and I don't want you to worry about stuff today."

Lexa sighed. "He... asked me about going out again."

Clarke raised an eyebrow. "Going out? Like on a date? Aren't you like totally gay?"

"Going out as in leaving the harbor for another fishing trip." Lexa calmly explained, ignoring the blonde's cheeky comment.

"Oh..." Clarke faded out as she realized what Lexa had just said. That she was considering to leave again. Soon. She knew that the fishing season ended at the end of October and she had assumed that Lexa would be staying in town for a few months now, hoping she could use the time to convince Lexa to reconsider her opinion on how to lead her life.

"What did you answer?"

Lexa's eyes wandered to the blonde's. "I said Yes."

Clarke sucked in a sharp breath and held it for a moment, releasing it before she spoke. "When do you leave?"

"In a couple of days."

"In a couple of days?" Clarke frowned as she continued with a slightly raised voice. "How many, two?"

Lexa softly nodded. "Yes, two."

Clarke sat herself up and covered her body with the blanket. Lexa sighed and after a moment sat up as well. "Clarke I..." she paused, starting to softly caress the blonde's back, "He's badly in dept and needs the money, and I... this is my life."

Clarke nodded, "I know." Lexa's heart skipped a beat at the soft voice, and another one when Clarke turned to look at her with warm eyes, "I just... thought this could actually work." She laughed. "Yeah I know. We basically don't know each other at all, but..." her gaze dropped to her hands, "it wasn't just a one night stand for me, either."

A long moment passed in which Lexa just looked at the blonde, trying to figure out what she had done to deserve such a beautiful person in her life, until she gently cupped the blonde's chin to pull her in for another tender kiss.

 

* * *

 

After a shower and a long breakfast at Corbie's, they had gone for a walk, talking about this and that, until they sat down on a bench and fell quiet watching seagulls and whitecaps forming on surging waves.

Clarke was the first to break the silence. "How certain are we about trying this?"

Lexa carefully considered the question and her answer for a moment. "Enough."

Clarke nodded, softly smiling when she spoke again, "Then there are a few things you should know about me before we actually start... trying." She waited for a moment for Lexa to reply but the brunette stayed silent, patiently waiting for Clarke to continue. "I... was in a long–term relationship until last year and..." she paused, raking her fingers through her hair, unsure how to proceed, "and I didn't step out of it without a... consequence." She paused again to blink a few tears of insecurity away. "His name is Jacob. He's four."

She finished and waited for a reaction of surprise or shock but it wouldn't come, Lexa just looked at her with her warm green eyes and that soft smile on her lips.

"Does he live with you?" She finally asked calmly.

"Yeah. Right now he's with his dad. Weekend days are _Dad Days_." The blonde explained and Lexa nodded.

"What's he like?"

Clarke's eyes brightened up. "He's... great. Sweet and beautiful, always happy and really funny actually. He's the cuddle type of person and doesn't hesitate to wake me up for it, but he's cute so I forgive him." She laughed. "I love him, he's my everything."

Lexa smiled. "I hope I can meet him when I get back... and sugar him up with tons of ice cream!"

Clarke smiled too but narrowed her eyes after moment. "It doesn't really bother you at all, does it?"

"Why should it?"

"Because... I don't know, because I'm a single mom which is like my second full time job, and because I was only twenty–one when I got pregnant which still kinda counts as teenie–mom, and..." She trailed off when Lexa reached into her back pocket to pull out her wallet and handed it to her. Her gaze fell on a photo of a baby and she immediately recognized the green in his eyes.

"That's Aden." Lexa calmly explained. "It's the first photo I took of him."

Clarke slowly raised her eyes to look at Lexa. "But you're... you said you're never here?"

Lexa's lips twitched into a small smile but Clarke could see a shadow of sadness flash her eyes. "He lives with a friend of mine. He..."

Clarke nodded. "He doesn't know you're his mother."

"Yeah. I'm the cool sailor aunt that stops by whenever she can, which is not too often really, but she never misses a birthday or Christmas."

Clarke sighed. The tough and carefree woman in front of her actually had another side of her life. A side where she had a son who would never really be her son, and being a mother herself, Clarke understood how deeply this must hurt Lexa.

She drew her gaze away and looked at the slowly setting sun, realizing that they had two nights left to figure out whether they would want to make it work, whatever it was between them that was growing stronger with every look and every smile, every touch and every kiss.

She leaned forward until her lips softly brushed against Lexa's ear as she whispered, "Let's go to bed."


	6. Chapter 6

Clarke woke up to the first sun rays peeking through the bull's eye in Lexa's cabin. She yawned, stretching her sleepy limbs and turned around to an already awake Lexa.

"You're up early." She smiled and lowered her gaze to the slim but strong arms of the beautiful naked brunette.

"Old habit."

Clarke nodded understandingly, knowing that fishermen mostly got up at the unholiest times, and began to softly stroke up and down the tattoos, closely inspecting each, until her eye caught a quote, embedded in dozens of other symbols. She turned Lexa's arm to get a better sight of the words that ran from the crook of her arm down to the brunette's wrist.

_In peace may you leave this shore. In love may you find the next._

Lexa smiled and held out her right arm for Clarke to read the rest of the quote.

_Safe passage on your travels. May we meet again._

"This is beautiful" the blonde said quietly as she slowly drew her finger over the thin lines.

"Billy said it to me before I left the harbor for the first time for a long trip... he's said it every time ever since."

"You're really close to him..." Clarke noted and Lexa smiled at the thought of the man.

"Yeah, he's like a father to me." The blonde raised her eyes to Lexa's, so the brunette continued explaining. "He more or less raised me, I stayed at their house most of my childhood. He's very caring, and he's always been there for me."

Clarke smiled at the love in Lexa's voice but also noticed the shadow of sadness flashing the woman's eyes and Clarke got an idea of what her childhood must have been like if she had never really stayed at her own home.

They got dressed and went to Corbie's for breakfast, and Clarke was again fascinated by the almost empty tavern that she had only known as the smoky and crowded pub that it was at night. Lexa had explained that Billy only offered breakfast to her and her crew though and normally opened in the afternoon.

"Skip" two men nodded appreciatively towards Lexa as they entered the place and Clarke couldn't help but smile at the respect that the woman received from the guys, and she could see why that was. Lexa was strict but kind, polite and helpful. She wasn't afraid to get her hands dirty, and unlike others she easily gutted a fish with rolled up sleeves, a cig between her lips. Clarke loved that picture.

 

* * *

 

Clarke took the last bite of her breakfast. It was one of her favorites and she had laughed when Lexa had stated that it was hers, too. She wiped her mouth with a napkin and laughed, "Nothing like a shrimps–wholemeal loaf–scrambled eggs–breakfast!"

Lexa smirked but before she could reply, a tall man approached them.

"I heard we're leavin' again, skipper?"

Lexa nodded.

"Tomorrow?"

"Yeah..." Lexa could sense that he was somewhat upset. "Look, you don't have to go with us, Linc. I know someone would appreciate if you stayed." Lexa smiled and nodded towards a short brunette in the back. "Although it would be a loss for all of us."

Lincoln shifted his weight, clearly unsure of what to answer.

"I... Octavia won't be happy if I went," Lexa nodded but he continued, "but it's definitely the last trip this year, right?" Lexa nodded again. "Then I'll go."

Lexa's eyes softened, "See you tomorrow, then."

 

* * *

 

The day went by faster than Clarke could tolerate and although she knew she should live for the moment, her mind kept wandering back to the fact that it was the last evening for Lexa and her to be together, which drew her mood into a melancholic direction.

They were leaning on the railing again, silently taking in the sight of the slowly setting sun, bathing the calm sea in a warm light. Clarke had her wine, Lexa sipped on her beer and took a drag of her cigarette every once in a while.

"Take me with you." Clarke finally said and Lexa turned her head to face her.

"Clarke..."

"I'm serious, take me with you."

Lexa sighed and straightened her back. "I can't take you with me, you have a kid here." Clarke's gaze met hers as Lexa continued, "And I can't put you in that danger, it's... rough out there at the end of October."

Clarke drew her eyebrows up in concern. "Then don't go."

Lexa's lips twitched into a soft half–smile as she pulled Clarke in for a tender hug. "I'll be back before you know." She said calmly and felt the blonde tighten their embrace.

"Promise."

Lexa closed her eyes. She could not make this promise. There was always a slight chance that something could happen, and she never made a promise she could not keep. Clarke's request echoed in her head. This was exactly what she had been so afraid of, and now it was happening. Clarke cared for her.

They stood in their embrace for a long while, until Lexa kissed Clarke's cheek and gently pulled away to look at her.

"Let's not think about tomorrow."

 

* * *

 

Clarke rolled to her side, her one hand supporting her head, the other one on the brunette's stomach, gently caressing soft skin, feeling firm muscles ripple with every breath.

"What are you thinking about?"

Lexa opened her eyes and shifted her gaze to meet the blonde's, considering her words for a moment, "I'm picturing what it would be like to set sails with you."

A moment passed until Clarke's lips formed a small smile. "Tell me about that picture."

"We'd be sitting on the deck, wrapped in blankets... coffee warming our hands. And the breeze would ruffle your hair and you'd laugh, trying to keep strands out of your face. And maybe some clouds would gather and a small shower would drench us but we wouldn't care, we'd just sit there and laugh, waiting for the sun to break back through the clouds... we'd probably starve though because we'd be too busy to cook." Lexa finished her thoughts with a suggestive smirk and a raised eyebrow, earning a raspy laugh and an eye roll from the blonde.

"It started out so romantically and I loved it and then without a warning, you completely wrecked it..." she paused, "but I loved it." and burst out laughing again, collapsing onto the brunette's chest, and Lexa gently laid an arm around her, breathing in the scent of her hair, until the giggles eased off.

"I'm scared..." Clarke quietly admitted after a long moment, and Lexa kissed the blonde's head, closing her eyes as she thought, _Me too, Clarke... me too._


	7. Chapter 7

Clarke jumped awake to  _AC/DC's Back In Black_ blasting on deck. She groaned and threw her arm on her face, trying to get used to the noise of enthusiastic screaming and heavy guitars, and finally turned around to an empty side of the bed. She sighed and got up, checked her watch, 6:32am and gathered her clothes.

When she stepped out on deck, she was barely quick enough to dodge a bucket that a tall blonde guy easily caught. Clarke raised her eyebrows at the scene in front of her; Two men loaded supplies on board, one seemed to be tightening screws of a _something_ that Clarke hadn't noticed before and the remaining two men secured some buoys on the outside of the boat. It took a moment for her to spot Lexa but her heart skipped a beat when she saw the brunette, coiling a mooring rope with a cigarette between her lips, wearing washed out skinny jeans, a wool long sleeve and a flannel over it, the sleeves rolled up, showing off her tanned tattooed forearms.

One of her guys made a joke and she shook her head but grinned and then let her eyes wander around to check on the rest of her crew, until she spotted Clarke.

"Sorry about the noise", she half yelled, pointing at the old radio as she approached the blonde. "I didn't want to wake you when I got up but–" she laughed and raised her voice a bit more, "but it looks like my effort was useless in the end!"

Clarke nodded _Okay_ and wrapped her arms around Lexa but instantly grimaced and let go of her again, "You stink!"

Lexa laughed and gestured around the boat, "Fish!" She quickly kissed the blonde's cheek and helped Miller lift another huge box on board.

 

* * *

 

It took them an hour to prepare the vessel, and now the crew was saying Goodbye to their friends and families. Clarke smiled, watching as the blonde man, Wick as she had learned, lifted a little girl up, and she smiled when Miller pulled his boyfriend in for a tight embrace.

Finally, Lexa ambled down the gangway, hands in her jeans' pockets, her lips forming a warm smile at the sight of her crew and their loved ones.

"Look at them!" She said when she reached Clarke. The blonde snuggled into Lexa's side, who gently laid an arm around her shoulder, and Clarke shook her head. "Don't you want this, too?"

Lexa smiled and kissed the woman's head, "Don't I have this already?"

Clarke felt her heartbeat speed up at Lexa's words when she realized that she had just admitted that she considered them to be... _something._ She knew how hard that was for Lexa, and she smiled at the thought that it had only taken her a few days to completely change the brunette's opinion on having a significant other onshore.

They stood like this for another long while, until Lexa shifted a little to pull Clarke to her chest and wrap her other arm around the blonde's shoulders as well.

"It's time." She whispered and felt Clarke bury her face into the crook of her neck. A moment passed that had Lexa patiently waiting for a response, and when it came, not in words but in the form of a silent sob, her heart broke.

She gently ran her fingers through the blonde mane for long minutes, until she slowly pulled away, cupping tear–stained cheeks. "Hey..." she placed a soft kiss on Clarke's lips, "it's okay. Please don't cry."

Lexa tucked her lips into a weak smile, trying to convince Clarke that it really was okay, but she could not deny the feelings of guilt and sadness mixed with a hint of anger, because this was exactly what she had been avoiding for years. She never wanted to hurt a person with the life she led, and now it was happening. To the breathtaking person that Clarke was, with her beautiful, _beautiful_ soul.

She pulled her in for another tender kiss and then took a step backwards. "I have to go, Clarke."

Clarke snuffled and nodded, fighting a new wave of tears. _Why is this so hard?_ She thought to herself. But she already knew the answer. She knew that this was what Lexa had been trying to protect her from, but she had willingly thrown herself to the wolves, and now she was the woman that Lexa had described. The woman that would wait for her to come home. The woman that would be alone for so long. The woman that worried about her, and she understood what Lexa had meant when she said that bonding with someone would be anything but fair to that person.

Clarke watched as Lexa waited for her crew to go on board, she watched as Lexa followed them. She watched as the brunette threw off the bow line and climbed up the ladder to the bridge, then pushed a few buttons and flipped some switches, and she watched as Lexa gently laid her right hand around one handle of the steering wheel.

She watched the vessel slowly leaving the harbor, making its way to the narrow, and she smiled when she remembered Lexa's words, _You blow the horn and throw a wave to the lighthouse keeper's kid on Cape Spear,_ and just in that moment, she heard Lexa blow the horn and a blink released another tear but Clarke didn't notice.

She stood on the pier, waving, until the boat disappeared behind the horizon.

Clarke straightened her back and slowly moved her arm to wipe away the tears with her sleeve, preparing to turn around and walk off the dock, when a woman appeared next to her.

"It's hard to see them sail off, isn't it?" She turned her head and Clarke met her eye, unsure of what to answer and afraid she wouldn't be able to hold back the tears once she spoke, so she just nodded.

The woman smiled and nodded as well, and Clarke saw a hint of sadness in her eyes. She guessed her to be in her mid–fifties or maybe older, or maybe not. It was hard to tell because her appearance was one of a woman who was scarred by life.

"I'm Elora", she said friendly.

"Clarke."

"Does one of them belong to you?"

Clarke hesitated for a moment. Lexa did not _belong_ to her, not like Lincoln belonged to Octavia, or like Miller belonged to his boyfriend. "I... somehow, I'd say."

The woman smiled again and nodded turning back to the sea, and when Clarke saw this familiar move, it hit her.


	8. Chapter 8

Unsure how to approach the topic, Clarke opted for a simple question instead. "What about you? Does someone... belong to you?"

Elora remained silent for several seconds but smiled when she turned her head back to the blonde. "A long time ago, yes."

This was the kind of answer Clarke had expected, and she narrowed her eyes, signifying for the other woman to continue.

"My child works on that boat. We haven't talked in twelve years." Clarke counted back. Lexa was twenty–seven and twelve years ago, she had been fifteen. "We have never said Goodbye before a trip, but I've come here every time to see them leaving the harbor... from a safe distance. Coming to the docks for the farewell is something that I don't think Alex, my kid, would approve of."

"...Alex?" Clarke asked aloud, unsure who Alex actually was. The swift thought reached her mind that there were five men in the crew and she only knew three of them by name, but the motions reminded her too much of Lexa, and she was confirmed when the older woman spoke.

"Alexandria." Elora smiled.

_Alex... Alexandria... Lexa... Lexa's full name is Alexandria._ Her mother called her Alex, while she went by Lexa. Clarke shook her head in confusion.

"I think we... are here for the same person." She finally said and Elora raised her eyebrows in surprise.

"In that case, Clarke... I'm sorry."

"Um..."

Elora looked at her for a long moment and Clarke tried to read her face but, just like Lexa's sometimes, it would not give anything away, and the woman was well aware of the blonde's confusion. Instead of answering, she turned around and walked towards a wooden bench a few feet away from them and gestured for Clarke to sit down next to her.

"Alex... or Lexa, as you probably call her, has given her heart to the sea, and that will never change. I assume you..." she paused to consider her next words, "have been with her?"

_Oh my God. Does Lexa's mom want to know whether I had sex with her daughter?!_ Clarke's thoughts were racing and it took her a moment to sort them and get her pulse back under control, and she finally nodded.

"Look, I know my daughter can be alluring. She's smart, she's confident and she's beautiful. And so are you, Clarke, but I'll be honest with you. You'll never take the place of Costia."

Clarke froze at the name, trying to process what was actually happening. She had met Lexa's mother, she had found out Lexa's full name, and now she had learned that she would never be good enough for her. She closed her eyes, taking in a deep breath, before opening her eyes as she spoke.

"Who is Costia?"

Elora smiled. "The love of her life."

 

* * *

 

Lexa ripped the sheet off the fax machine and quickly analyzed the weather map. It looked good, mostly, and she nodded in agreement.

She heard a knock, "Skip?" Turning toward the door she smiled, "Murphy, come in", and sat down on the chair behind the steering wheel while Murphy leaned on a counter and crossed his arms, closely watching the brunette.

"You look happy." He finally noted.

"It's a good day." Lexa offered in return and he laughed, nodding approvingly.

"What about you?"

"Well..." he began, "I got a new girl who I can't stand to be two feet away from."

Lexa tilted her head and looked at him, "Congratulations."

"Yeah... then again, I love to fish."

Lexa laughed while turning her head back to the front window, sliding deeper down her chair, putting her feet up on the board next to the wheel. "Buddy, you've got a problem."

 

* * *

 

_The Love of her life._ The words echoed in Clarke's head. Had she really been so hoodwinked by Lexa? How could Lexa have been so convincing when she explained that she would never want to have a relationship as long as she had her work, when in reality, there already was someone by her side? Was that the reason it had been easier to show her it was possible to have a significant other, than Clarke had thought? Because Lexa already had one?

Elora knew exactly what was going on in the younger woman's mind, but she let her reconsider her moments with Lexa, until after a while, she finally added, "Her boat."

Clarke raised her head in confusion. "What?"

Elora smiled. "The love of her life. Her boat. Her name is Costia."

 

* * *

 

As the sun set, Lexa fixed the wheel and flipped the switch of the boat's autopilot, then climbed down to the deck where the guys were chilling, having an easy conversation, and joined them. She smiled. The men she had picked were better than she could have asked for, and they mostly got along well with each other, except for Wick and Atom. She knew they had a past, something about the same woman, but she didn't know the details and she didn't care.

All that mattered was that they did not end up fighting because a fight on a boat that provided no real personal space could be disastrous.

They all had joined the crew for different reasons and, of course, they struggled from time to time, especially when times were rough, be it because of smaller conflicts or the weather, but every single one of them had always been loyal to her and she was more than thankful for this.

When they later, one after one, went to bed, leaving Lexa alone on the deck, she raised her gaze to the star–studded sky and her mind wandered to the blonde woman, with that raspy voice and those sparkling blue eyes, who had been waving on the pier until the horizon had embraced her.

Lexa lowered her head and her eyes followed her thumb gently brushing over a tattoo on her wrist. _Elora._

She knew that Clarke had met her mother. She always came to the docks, every time Lexa left the harbor but never in time for the official farewell. She always waited until the boat reached The Narrow, and Lexa always blew the horn for her. Every time.

She went back to the bridge and sat down behind the wheel, looking at the moon lit black ocean around her, while back on shore, Clarke laid her clothes over the chairback, and picked up a folded piece of paper that had fallen out of a pocket.

She slowly sat down on the edge of her bed while her eyes wandered over the tidy lines.

 

_Clarke,_

_You have met Elora, I assume. I never told you about her, because there is nothing left to tell, it has been so long... She might have called me Alex, as my name is Alexandria. My father chose this name a few days before he sailed off to his final journey, he never came back from the sea._

_While you are reading this, I am looking at the pitch black ocean below the star studded sky, thinking about the moments we got to share with each other._

_I am sorry, Clarke, that you are experiencing what it is like to stay behind. I never gave you the promise that I will return safely, but I give you my word that I will try._

_Thank you for giving me the chance to see your soul, thank you for being you._

_Lexa_


	9. Chapter 9

Murphy had taken over the wheel in the early morning hours, since he was the only one Lexa entrusted her boat to, and the brunette had gone to her cabin to get some desperately needed sleep.

She opened the door and paused when her eyes wandered to her bed. The bed she had spent every night of her stay in, with Clarke. Slowly sitting down on it, she gently brushed over the blonde's side and let out a small laugh when she realized that they already had _their sides._ She laid down on the other side, not wanting to wash away the blonde's scent that the pillow and the blanket were covered in.

 _Clarke, what are you doing to me..._ she thought to herself. She knew how attached people could get to someone and what consequences could come with it. She knew how attached her mother had gotten to her father and how devastated she had been after his death, and had been for years.

She was well aware of the risks her job brought with it, and she never wanted someone else to hurt from this risk. All these years, she had not let anyone get close to her, or herself close to them, and Lexa had been okay with it. She had been okay with the life she had chosen.

Of course there had been women that had meant a bit more to her, but she had never brought them to her own bed, and she had always avoided getting to personal levels during conversations. But with Clarke, it had happened. And it hurt her to picture Clarke at Corbie's with the other spouses and partners, with the parents and kids, hoping she and the guys were safe, waiting for them to come home.

She sighed, turned around and looked out of the bull's eye that let the first sunrays into her cabin. And with the picture of Clarke in her bed, smiling at her, she fell asleep.

 

* * *

 

"Aren't you the one from the pier?" A light and friendly voice asked and Clarke looked up to Octavia.

"Hey! Yeah, I am. I'm Clarke..." she paused for a second, "Octavia, right?"

The shorter brunette nodded enthusiastically, wearing a wide smile as she continued, "Didn't know you work here, I've never seen you here before!" She quickly looked around the small museum. "Hey you know what?" She continued without even giving Clarke the time to answer at all, "You should come to Corbie's tonight, The Leftovers are throwing a party."

Clarke furrowed her brows. "The... leftovers?"

Tilting her head, Octavia explained. "Yeah we call us _The Leftovers._ You know, families and friends on shore and stuff while our brave sailors are somewhere out there on the deep blue sea... probably looking super hot at their work." Her eyes darkened from simply the thought and Clarke let out a laugh, knowing exactly what the brunette was picturing, since she had a similar image in mind.

"I don't know, I'm... not really a part of you, like, at all. I just met Lexa a few days ago and actually, we just..." she blushed and trailed off.

"Oh come on Clarke, this is gonna be fun! And you know what?" She grinned.

"What?"

"I don't believe you. You and Lexa didn't just..." she finger–quoted Clarke's silence, "I mean you two were all hearty–eyes over each other, you can't tell me that there's nothing going on between the two of you."

Clarke's pulse slightly sped up at Octavia's words. Had they looked like more than just strangers with benefits? _All hearty–eyes over each other_ echoed in her head and she smiled, and Octavia noticed.

"See? You should definitely come! You fit in just perfectly! See you tonight!" And with that, a grinning Octavia turned around and left the museum, more dancing than walking, leaving a quietly chuckling, head–shaking Clarke behind. Her thoughts drifted back to Lexa and Octavia's words about them. _Maybe_ ,she thought, _maybe this can work._

 

* * *

 

Clarke stood in front of the tavern, nervously flicking at her cigarette, not sure if she should really go inside, when a young man approached her whom she recognized as Miller's boyfriend.

"Clarke, hey!"

She raised her eyebrows. "Hey um... Sorry, I don't know your name." A small nervous laugh escaped her and she quickly added, "How come you know mine though?"

"Sorry, I'm Bryan. And I know yours because everyone knows yours!" He laughed and Clarke narrowed her eyes in question. "Oh come on, _you're_ the one who turned the captain's head! That's never happened before!"

Clarke smiled. Bryan was the second person who had said this, and when they went inside and she was warmly greeted by everyone, mostly with the question how she had managed to soften Lexa, the doubt that Elora had implanted into her head, slowly faded.

The _party_ , which was more like relaxed drinking and playing pool, lightened up Clarke's mood even more and slowly but surely, she realized that, although she was the new one in this circle, she indeed fit in perfectly. She talked to almost everyone, and she loved listening to the stories about their loved ones and how happy the reunions always were.

 

* * *

 

Clarke, Octavia, Bryan and Emori, Murphy's girlfriend, were sitting on the barstools, joking around with Billy, until Octavia cleared her throat and clinked her glass causing the group to instantly turn silent.

"Okay Clarke." She began with a straight face. "Show us your photo!"

The rest of the group nodded approvingly and turned to Clarke, who knitted her eyebrows. "What photo...?"

Octavia's eyes grew wide. "You know, the... _photo_!"

Emori jumped in for an explanation while pulling out her wallet. "Look, we– hang on. Here–" she handed it to Clarke, "we all have a photo of our partner in front of the boat, but no one has ever seen such a photo of Lexa. So– show us!"

Clarke shook her head.

"Oh come on, please!" The whole group begged, and Clarke shook her head again, her eyes slightly widened.

"No, I... I don't have such a photo..." her heartbeat sped up at the realization that she had no photo of Lexa, at all.

"Ohh..." Octavia nodded. Apparently, it was a bad sign to not have been given such a photo, because, as they explained later, it was some kind of a promise. That the long–liners belonged to the other one and that they would always come back to them.

They quickly changed the topic, sensing that this had really bothered Clarke, and the mood lightened up again, but the slight sadness in Clarke's heart remained. She did not care that she did not have _such_ a photo of Lexa, rather that she had no photo of her, at all, and it did not help to know that the coast guard's rules did not allow civilians to use a radio, so there was no way to reach Lexa, either.

The only thing she had from her was the letter. She had read it three times before going to bed and she had read it again when she woke up, and when she went to bed this night, she decided to ask Billy for a photo because if... what Lexa had mentioned the other day, really happened, she at least wanted to have a graphical image to hold on to, because she knew how memories slowly but surely faded.


	10. Chapter 10

After picking up Jacob the next day, they went to Corbie's to ask Billy for a photo of Lexa.

"Billy, hey!" Clarke said with a smile which Billy returned, "This is Jacob."

"Nice to meet you, little man!" He friendly greeted the boy, but Jacob quickly clang to Clarke's leg and slightly disappeared behind it.

"Sorry", she laughed, ruffling her son's hair, then looked back at the man behind the counter. "Billy, I... have a question." She began and nervously shifted her weight, "I was talking to some people yesterday and I was wondering if you have... maybe..." her cheeks slightly blushed, "a photo of Lexa that I... could have?"

Billy slowly finished drying off a glass and put it down before he looked back at her with soft eyes. "I can't give you a photo of her."

Clarke furrowed her brows, "But... you have to have some? I mean she said she kinda grew up at your house and..." she trailed off while he kept looking at her, his lips forming a small warm smile, "This is against the tradition, Clarke."

The blonde felt anger boil up inside her. The man had to have photos of the brunette she had fallen in love with and he wouldn't give her one.

"And what tradition would that be?" She tried to keep her voice calm, her eyes following the man who sat down on a stool behind the bar and finally spoke again.

"Clarke, look... I know this seems unfair to you, but when people that are married to the sea, and Lexa is one of them, don't come back, then that's how it's meant to be. I know that for those of us left behind, the vast unmarked... grave which then is home for those lost at sea, is no consolation. It can't be visited, there is no headstone on which to rest a bunch of flowers..." Billy paused, waiting for Clarke to look back at him before he continued, "The only place we can revisit them, is in our hearts and in our dreams."

Clarke blinked and it released a tear that slowly rolled down her cheek, and Billy softly laid his hand on hers. "Lexa would want it that way."

 

* * *

 

Somewhere on the deep blue ocean, Lexa got up from the chair behind the steering wheel and stepped out through the door on the bridge, looking into five pairs of eyes on deck below her.

A long moment of silence passed, until her left cheek twitched into a smile, "Let's do some fishing!" She yelled and the guys bursted into cheering, while she puffed out a laughter and hit the play button of the old radio next to her, and _AC/DC's Thunderstruck_ threatened to burst the speakers.

The guys practically jumped to work and immediately joined in to the chanting, stomping one foot in rhythm ofthe bassdrum. Lexa climbed down the ladder. "HEY!" she yelled after several seconds of watching the scene in front of her, and the guys instantly paused. "Don't destroy my boat!" She exclaimed and the men exchanged some worried looks and then looked back at her.

The intro went on and the guys stood still, until suddenly, Lexa grinned and forcefully punched the box next to her to the singer's first loudly yelled _Thun–der!_

Her crew immediately went back to rocking out, in an even better mood now that Lexa had joined them. Of course they had frozen the second her smile faded, but what she had done then was exactly why they loved her. To them, she wasn't just their captain, no. She was one of them.

 

* * *

 

Jacob was jiggling his legs in excitement, clutching the seating surface of his chair when Clarke put down the lasagna plate on the table in front of him, and he immediately shoved the first bite in his mouth. She laughed and rumpled his hair, "I'll be right there okay?" He nodded quickly and pierced a new piece with his fork.

Clarke went back to the counter and grabbed a rag to clean the top that was already spick and span, busying herself to push away the tears that were threatening to escape her eyes, but it did not work and she quickly wiped the first drop away with her sleeve.

"Mommy why are you crying?"

She closed her eyes and shook her head, "I'm okay baby, I'm not crying." She tried but her voice already cracked.

Her son paused for a moment and then climbed down his chair and padded to the other side of the kitchen to grab Clarke's hand. "I don't want you to be sad." He said with puppy eyes and she let out a small laugh and lifted him up. "I'm sorry, baby. I'm okay, I promise." She wiped another tear away with the palm of her hand and smiled at him. "Alright?"

Jacob furrowed his brows and she couldn't help but smile about how adorable he was in this moment, full of empathy and love for her. "I'm just a bit tired, that's all. Don't worry, okay?" She waited until he nodded and set him back down.

After his second refill, he straightened his back and held his stomach. "Look mommy, I'm pregnant!" Clarke instantly bursted into laughter. _What did I do to be blessed with such a wonderful and hilarious kid?_

She washed the dishes and followed her boy to the couch where he quickly snuggled into her as she sat down. "Mommy?" She lowered her face to meet his eyes, "Yeah?"

"Are you sad because of the man?"

"What man, baby?"

"The old man in the bar?"

Clarke's muscles slightly stiffened. That was exactly the reason. "Yeah… but it's okay, don't worry about that." She said and kissed her son's head.

He looked at his hands and quietly tapped them together a few times before he spoke again. "I liked what he said."

She shifted to get a better sight of his face and narrowed her eyes. "What did you like about it?" She asked, recalling Billy's words. Words that caused her pain and sadness, words that took away most of the hope she had gathered for the case that something happened to Lexa.

"He said that fishermen are brave and if they go, they are at the place that they love." He smiled. "They're good people. They're heroes... I wanna be a fisherman when I grow up."

And although his cuteness was almost too much for her to handle in that moment, his words stabbed her heart like a dagger. She tried not to think about him actually choosing this job and life when he was a man, she tried not to picture her standing on the pier like Elora, waving her daughter goodbye, knowing it could be the last time she saw her. It was already hard enough for her to have a partner somewhere out there, but the thought of her little boy at sea was unbearable for her.

But then, something else he had said flashed through her mind. _Fishermen are brave. They're heroes_ , he had said. She smiled, thinking about Lexa. _Yes_ , she thought, _they are._

Jacob was already dozing off in her arms, when she switched on the TV to check the news but she was too late and the weathergirl was already gesturing around a map that showed some not so promising temperatures. The end of October would bring some rain with it and Clarke grimaced. She was no big fan of cold and rainy weather, which was unfortunate for her because the town she lived in had one of the country's highest amounts of precipitation.

She reached for the remote again and stopped in her motions as the onshore map zoomed out. _"...stormy conditions with the activity of this_ _fresh cold front swooping down from Northern Canada, motoring towards the Atlantic. And this formation here coming_ _up from the Gulf Stream at this speed... I'd say it won't take much to turn this tropical storm into a hurricane."_

The sound of rushing blood pumped through Clarke's ears and she slowly released the breath she had been holding while watching the meteorologist motioning around the spot where the cold front and the hurricane would run smack into each other.

She pressed the power button of the remote and sat stone–still for long moments, seeing the weather map still right before her, with the meteorologist in front of it, circling the area where the two formations would meet... circling the area where Lexa was.


	11. Chapter 11

Lexa blew the horn to wake the guys up, lit a cigarette and pulled the hood of her raincoat deeper into her face to shield it from the lashing rain.

The weather had been calm and friendly until midnight, and then wind and rain had taken over, causing the waves to rock the boat a bit harder. But just as much as Lexa loved sunshine and balmy breezes, she loved this rough weather.

She was already moving the snap links from the longline onto the fixed line below the railing when the guys stumbled out on deck, instantly cursing the weather conditions while they went to their positions.

"Stop the whining and man up!" Lexa yelled against the blustering wind, a second before she felt the resistance at the next snap link. "That's one!"

And they caught fishes, braving the weather, until the rain eased off and the sun stood high in the sky.

 

* * *

 

Clarke had dropped Jacob off at his Dad's and made her way to the pier. She climbed out of her old car and buried her hands deep into the pockets of her coat, walking towards the place where she and Lexa had said Goodbye.

For a second, she paused when she saw a familiar figure sitting on the bench, but smiled and got going, lowering her head to shield it from the wind.

"Hey", she said softly when she reached the bench and sat down, causing the other woman to slightly turn her head.

"Clarke, hello", Elora smiled and shifted a bit to give Clarke some more space, "what brings you here?"

Clarke stretched her legs and drew her gaze to the sea in front of them, rougher than usual due to the wind that clearly had intensified. "The same that brought _you_ here, I'd say."

Elora nodded and closely studied the blonde for a long moment, until she spoke again. "You really like her, don't you?"

Clarke sighed and lowered her head, tapping her feet against each other a few times. "Yes, I guess I do. I mean...", she turned to face the older woman, "how could I not, right?"

Elora's cheek twitched into a half smile, the same that had made Clarke fall in love with Lexa and the blonde was again surprised how much Lexa looked like her mother.

"Alexandria hasn't told me much about what she felt and what she thought when she was younger... when we still talked to each other. But one thing she has always made clear was that she wanted to spend her life at sea and that she was aware of the loneliness that comes with this life..." she paused for a moment, considering whether she should proceed, but she did. "And I've heard a lot about her, people talk, you know, and she has never had someone that really... cared about her and apparently this is very important to her. Always has been, and I thought it would always be that way, but it seems that you've changed her mind."

Clarke's heart softened at Elora's words, and at the same time, it hurt. Lexa had never been in a relationship before, and maybe, she had never been in love... until now, as Elora had indicated.

"On our first... date, Lexa told me that she doesn't want people to wait for her, and worry about her. And with the life she leads, I totally get that, really. She worries that she hurts people if she lets them into her life."

A long moment passed until Elora's eye met Clarke's. "And does she?"

"No." Clarke answered, but her thoughts went back to the previous night where she had watched the weather forecast that had made her heartbeat speed up and left her sleepless, and Clarke softly narrowed her eyes. "Yes... I mean it's not her who hurts me. It's the thought about her not... coming back. Yesterday I watched the weather report and I don't know Lexa's course but it didn't look nice and–" she stopped when she saw the sudden change in Elora's eyes, "what?"

"That's exactly Lexa's course." The woman slowly said and the way she said it made Clarke's blood run cold. It was the voice of a woman who had lost her husband to the sea and knew that she would lose her only daughter the same way.

"But it–" Clarke cleared her throat in an attempt to strengthen her shaking voice, but unsuccessfully, "didn't look too bad, did it? I mean the... _conditions_ can ease off before Lexa turns around to come home, right?"

Elora's lips formed another small smile when she looked at Clarke, considering her next words, and Clarke started chewing on her bottom lip in a mix of impatience and anxiety. "You're not too familiar with weathers at sea, I assume?" She finally asked and Clarke froze for a second and then slowly shook her head. "It didn't look like it will ease off so soon." The older woman stated, carefully avoiding to address what Clarke was actually worrying about, but Clarke understood nonetheless, and she broke down when she went to bed that night.

She cried about Elora's words and about what they had meant. She cried about the realization of which danger Lexa really was in. She cried because the feeling of helplessness was simply unbearable for her.

She cried thinking about all the moments she had spent with the beautiful brunette, the verbal and the physical, the words and the touches.

She cried until she was sure there were no more tears left, and she kept crying until she was too exhausted to cry, and she finally fell asleep, while far, far away, Lexa slowly put the weather fax down with furrowed brows, and leaned against the frame of the open door of the bridge, slowly releasing a breath as her gaze wandered to the pitch black weather front at the horizon.


	12. Chapter 12

"Tell me again why we had to meet at this... place."

Clarke narrowed her eyes at the disgusted look on her ex–boyfriend's face. "Because it's just around the corner for both of us, Finn– thanks, Billy." She said when Billy set their coffees on the table and let his eyes quickly wander between Clarke and Finn before he nodded and left.

"So you know him by name? Hang around here often?" Finn nagged but Clarke ignored the insulting tone in his voice and focused on the actual topic.

"What did you want to talk to me about?"

He took a sip of his coffee and leaned back in his chair. "I met someone, her name is Alice, and we're moving in together next week."

"Okay..." Clarke began and narrowed her eyes, clearly confused, "and why are you telling me this?"

"We'll move to Miami."

"Wow that's... far away. Your son won't like to hear that."

"Actually... I asked him what he thinks about Miami." Clarke furrowed her brows, unsure where this was going, while Finn continued. "You know, sun, warmth, beaches... and he was really excited, so... I'll take him with me."

"Excuse me?"

"Jake will move to Miami with us." Finn repeated and Clarke sucked in a sharp breath and held it for a second or two, to not instantly lose it.

"No he won't."

"Clarke, everything's settled. We found a great school he can go to later and I'm sure he'll like Florida much more than–"

"You will _not_ take my son away from me, Finn!"

"A minute ago, it was _my_ son."

Clarke felt the first tears come up, but more from anger than sadness. "Yeah and a year ago you signed a contract that said that Jacob will live with me and unless I agree on it, which is not going to happen, he will not stay with you, Finn."

"I talked to my lawyer and since we both have the right of custody, he is moving to Miami with us." He paused to take another sip, "God, Clarke, why are you making this so difficult?"

Clarke blinked in disbelief but was too shocked and furious to actually answer.

"Okay..." Finn said after a few moments, "since you're not answering, I assume it's cool. Thanks Clarke. I'll stop by tomorrow to get his stuff. See ya then." He got up and turned around to leave, but stopped and looked back at Clarke, who was still trying to process what was happening, "Oh and Clarke? You should thank me for not letting our son grow up here in this..." he gestured around the tavern, "surrounding. And say Hi to your sailor bitch from me, I'm sure Lex–" he was shut up by a serious punch of Clarke's fist. Billy quickly approached them but did not interfere while Clarke leaned forward until her face was only inches away from Finn's, her voice quiet and ice cold when she spoke.

"Don't you dare say her name, ever again." She hissed through clenched teeth, her gaze looking daggers at him for long moments. "You disgust me." She finally spat out and turned around, leaving Corbie's in a few swift steps.

 

* * *

 

"This is becoming some kind of a routine, huh?" Elora laughed when she approached the bench and sat down next to Clarke, who offered her a weak smile in return.

"I guess." She said, took another sip from her whiskey bottle and handed it to Elora but the woman shook her head.

"I haven't touched a bottle in eleven years. Stopped drinking the day Alex moved out." She explained and Clarke slightly nodded, slowly understanding what it was that had made Lexa's childhood so difficult, and Elora noticed.

"I never was the mother I should have been, I've sent my daughter through hell, often enough. I don't blame her for leaving me the second she got the opportunity. I've never even thanked Billy for taking care of her when I couldn't... In the end, he and Raven are the family she deserves."

Clarke took another drink before she spoke. "I'm sure Lexa will forgive you."

"Maybe someday."

 

* * *

 

But Lexa already had forgiven her mother. She had forgiven her the moment she looked into Aden's eyes for the first time, realizing that a mother could never hurt her child on purpose, especially not Elora.

And as if she could feel that Clarke and her mother were thinking about her, Lexa stroked over the blank skin on her left wrist, the spot where her mother's name was tattooed on her right arm. She had never gotten a tattoo there because she wanted it to be the name of the one person that would change her life forever. She smiled. She would get that tattoo when she got back.

Lexa rolled up her sleeves and climbed down to the day room where the guys were gathered, having a drink and playing cards with _Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar On Me"_ blasting through the speakers.

"... and I went down on a lady to this one once." Murphy bragged when she entered the room.

"We all did, Murph." Lexa noted dryly and shook her head about her crew's laughters, then walked to the radio and switched it off.

"Guys, we need to talk about something."

"All ear, Cap."

Lexa nodded and handed Wick the most recent fax of a weather map.

"As you can see, the weather between us and home's gotten a little rough." She began and paused, waiting for every crew member to have a look at the map themselves, before she continued. "And after we're done fishing tonight, the tanks will be full."

"What does that mean?" Atom asked and Lexa looked at him, then shifted her gaze to Lincoln. "Tell him, Linc."

Lincoln sighed and straightened his back. "That means it's time to go home."

Lexa nodded. "And that means we have two options. Either we wait until the storm's over and the weather has relaxed a little, which means that we would leave our haul to rot..." she paused and carefully inspected her crew's reactions.

"Or...?" Wick asked after a long moment.

"Or we go right through." Lexa calmly offered.

One could hear a pin drop after this suggestion. Lexa knew exactly that the haul was important for the guys because it meant enough money until the next fishing season started, and the guys knew exactly what high risks came with facing the weather that raged between them and their home.

"We got tons and tons of fish down there, Skip." Miller finally noted and Lexa nodded.

"What do you say, Lex?" Murphy asked, using her name on purpose, signifying that he did not want to hear his captain's opinion, but Lexa's personal thoughts. "Are you scared?"

Lexa remained silent for a minute or two, carefully considering her answer. If she said _Yes_ , it would be comforting for her crew, knowing they weren't alone. If she said _No_ , it would reassure the guys and take away their fear, at least the bigger part of it, and if there was something she understood more than anyone, it was the fear of not coming home, and if there was anything that was just as deadly as not coming home, it was this exact fear.

"No." She finally said and the men nodded, murmuring several approvals, until Wick spoke again.

"Let's face this bitch then."


	13. Chapter 13

Clarke took Jacob's hand and they entered the tavern where Octavia, Emori, Harper and a few others had gathered, watching the weather report.

"Any news?" Clarke asked when she sat down on a barstool next to a woman she didn't know, while Jacob padded to the pool table where Wick and Harper's daughter inspected the billiard balls.

"No," Emori shook her head, "the hurricane keeps moving north while the cold front keeps moving down."

Clarke nodded and hesitated for a moment, considering whether she should ask the next question or not, not sure whether she really wanted to know the answer, but she decided she did. "Do we know where they are?"

Several heads turned to Billy who opened a beer and slid it over the counter to Clarke before he spoke. "I got a call an hour ago but I wanted to wait for you before I tell everybody." He leaned onto his hands on the counter and looked at every pair of eyes before he continued. "Wallace, the head of the coast guard and a close friend of mine, received a radio message from Lexa's colleague who said that apparently, the guys are coming home."

No one said a thing. Their initial thought was that their loved ones were coming home. But their second thought was that they were coming home and their way led right through the monstrosity of a weather formation.

Emori was the first to speak. "Seems like Lexa finally lost her mind."

"Yeah..." Octavia agreed, "She's sending our men right down to hell."

Clarke's pulse quickened at the women's words and she glanced at Jacob to check whether he was occupied and did not listen to the conversation, and he was indeed playing with the other girl, not paying any attention to the adults.

"Lexa would never make such a decision without having full support and approval from every single member of her crew." The woman next to Clarke noted dryly, and Clarke's stiffened muscles slightly relaxed since what the brunette had said just sounded so much more like Lexa.

"Raven's right." Billy agreed. "I've known Lexa longer than anyone here. She would never put her crew in danger on purpose, especially not without explaining the situation. I'm sure Lexa is well aware of what a weather condition like this means. Seems like it was the men's decision to come home..."

The group fell silent again, taking in what Billy had said, and if they were being honest, they knew that he was right.

 

* * *

 

Lexa and the guys were leaning on the bow's railing, the setting sun behind them warming their backs as they looked at the darkness at the horizon where lightnings escaped pitch black clouds every once in a while, shooting down to the sea.

Although they remained silent, their thoughts screamed deafeningly.

Lexa took a last drag of her cigarette and flicked the stub away, straightening her back. "Go down below." She ordered calmly, "And Murph? I want you to stay on the bridge with me."

"Aye Cap."

The guys battened down the hatches and secured cabinet doors so they wouldn't fly around in the vessel in case a stronger wave hit them, while Lexa and Murphy installed plywood panels in front of the bridge's side windows.

"Okay so... we have a cold front that'll meet a hot Caribbean hurricane, is that the situation?" Murphy asked reluctantly as he stepped next to Lexa who was busy with levers and buttons on the control desk.

"Yeah." She nodded, flipped a last switch and grabbed the steering wheel. "That's the situation."

And when she turned her head to look at him, Murphy saw the fear in her eyes. She was confident, yes, and she knew exactly what she was doing, but just like the guys, she was only human after all. "We trust you, Lexa. I want you to know that."

Lexa's cheek twitched into a small one–sided smile in acknowledgement before she turned back to the front window and the raging weather that was waiting for them.

She had seen hundreds of weather maps, enough to know what the storm in front of them meant. And she had seen only one like this before, the one that was archived in the coast guard's storm file. The one that her father had received during his final trip.

But she had also read the transcripts of this trip's radio messages, so she knew about the fatal mistake her father had made, and she could only hope that she would not have to make the same choice, which was turning around.

"So what's the plan, Skip?"

"We'll go up to 12 and head north," she paused to point at a spot on the sea chart for Murphy to see her destination, "until we reach the cold front, and then we go west, hoping that the hurricane is still below us, charging from the front and pulling it away from us." She explained and Murphy looked back at her in admiration because her plan was beyond perfect. Of course they needed a good amount of luck, but the course sounded solid.

The wind intensified, causing the waves to rock the boat harder the farther they went. Murphy tried to copy Lexa's confident calmness but he closed his eyes at every jolt that occurred when the vessel shot down a wave and hit the water surface, and Lexa sensed his unease.

"Murphy?"

He opened one eye to look at her. "Take the throttle. When I say _Go_ , you push it, alright?" He nodded and she nodded in return. "Okay."

She positioned her hands on the wheel in preparation to hold against the next wave, and calmly breathed out.

"GO!"

 

* * *

 

Clarke was pacing up and down the living room, debating whether she should switch on the TV to check the weather report, or whether she should go to bed. Both would drive her to insanity, but the need of knowing how bad it was or was yet to become won, and she grabbed the remote.

" _... this catastrophe. But to quote Henry Longfellow, the best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain."_ The meteorologist laughed and Clarke clenched her teeth. _"We can only hope that this monster doesn't hit the shore because this would be a disaster of epic proportions. But, Ladies and Gentlemen, don't you worry, this fine art piece of nature is much more tremendous and deadly at sea and that's not where we are, right?"_ He laughed again and Clarke blinked away her tears of anger when she hit the remote button to finally silence the man.

_Tremendous and deadly at sea,_ echoed in her head and she lit a cigarette with shaking hands. During the past few days, she had caught herself thinking that it would have been better to not get to know Lexa, that she should not have approached the beautiful brunette that one evening where she was leaning on the railing of her vessel.

But she had, and despite all the fear and worry and anger that came with the current situation, there was also hope.

Hope that Lexa knew what she was doing, hope that she would turn around and wait for the storm to ease off, hope that she would be okay.

And with all the thoughts about Lexa, there also came a realization for Clarke. The realization about how hard she had fallen for the Captain.

She had never loved a person like she loved Lexa, and she would give her life if that could safe her. But it couldn't, and Clarke knew it. The only thing she could do now was wait. And hope. And that was what she did. 


	14. Chapter 14

Clarke finished work early. Her mother had picked up Jacob the previous day, he would stay with her as long as necessary, because slowly but surely all the pressure and angst drained Clarke of strength.

Also, her mother had promised to not let Finn take Jacob with him to Miami, not before the lawyers had reached agreement and Clarke was more than thankful for Abby's support.

It had been around two weeks since Lexa and the guys had left, and the storm had been raging for a few days now, and Clarke, once again, found herself at Corbie's with the others.

"It's 8:20, Billy." Harper noted so Billy switched to the weather channel, and the tavern fell silent, all eyes glued to the screen.

Apparently, the hurricane had almost reached the cold front, and the video footage showing several cities of the North American east coast was anything but comforting. The damage had long reached the billion mark, and Billy had refused to tell them what it probably looked like at sea.

" _Unfortunately for Mariners, the total amount of wave energy and storm does not rise linearly with wind speed, but to its fourth power. The seas generated by a 40 knot wind aren't twice as violent as those from a 20 knot wind, they are seventeen times as violent. A ship's crew watching the anemometer climb even 10 knots could well be watching their death sentence."_ The meteorologist explained and out of the corner of her eye, Clarke noticed Raven clench her fist until her knuckles turned white.

" _Also, it seems like a fishing vessel from St. John's has lost their bearings... or their minds. They were at 41 north 57 west when they last sent off a radio message, since then the coast guard has lost contact. And if they're not already lost, it seems like they're heading straight into meteorological hell. Our thoughts and prayers go out to their famil–"_

"Switch that off, Dad!" Raven exclaimed, causing Clarke to finally snap back to reality, and her eyes followed Raven leaving the pub. The screen was black now, apparently Billy had indeed turned the TV off and before Clarke fully realized what she was doing, she got up as well and followed Raven outside.

"Hey..." she said warmly when she approached the brunette who was sitting on the stairs in front of the tavern, and Clarke sat down next to her.

"You're Clarke, right?"

"Yeah"

"Nice to meet you then. You're one lucky woman to have Lexa." Raven said and offered Clarke a weak smile, earning a similar smile in return.

"Thanks, I... yeah." Clarke replied and took a sip of her beer. "You grew up with her, right?" Raven nodded. "What was she like when she was younger?"

The other woman remained silent for a minute until a full smile appeared on her face when she finally spoke. "She was great. Very calm and considerate, always polite, always helpful. She was quiet, too, but it was never the uncomfortable kind of silence, you know?" Clarke nodded. She knew.

"I guess that hasn't changed over the years then. It's a shame we lost contact when I moved away."

Raven continued and a small tear escaped her eye which she quickly wiped away with her sleeve. "You know she... was always there for me when I needed her, although things with her mom were so much more complicated and difficult than the tiny fights I had with my dad every once in a while... she just... fuck." Tears were now streaming down Raven's face and Clarke felt sorry, Lexa apparently meant a lot to the girl next to her.

"So she really was like a sister to you, hm?" She said after a moment and Raven let out a small laugh but shook her head.

"No, I never saw her like that. She... I mean we– I..." she trailed off, wiping the tears away but it was useless since new tears kept coming, and when her eye finally met the blonde's, Clarke's breathing stopped in realization. Raven loved Lexa. She loved her the same way Clarke loved her, and she was going through the same hell as Clarke.

"Fuck." Was all Clarke could say, so she pulled Raven into a tight hug that seemed to last an eternity.

"I moved away because I could never have her, and I knew I would never have her." Raven began, slowly pulling away from Clarke. "I never told her because she always said that she would never want a relationship and I thought if I moved away, I would eventually stop worrying about her, but that never happened."

Clarke nodded, carefully listening to what Raven was telling her.

"Well... at least I never had to witness all her one night stands, as I heard she had enough of them... and then look at you", she let out another small laugh and raised her eyes back to Clarke's, "you somehow managed to soften her up. She's never been in love with anyone, did you know that?"

Clarke shook her head. "Yeah, you're the first. And I don't really know you, but from what I've heard and seen, I'm sure you'll also be the last."

Clarke's eyes slightly widened and she clenched her jaw at the words that pierced her to the heart, and Raven realized what she had just said and in what way Clarke could have understood her. "No! No no, I meant you're perfect for her, she's just the type that stays with one person because if she really falls for someone, she... never gets up again. If you know what I mean..." Raven sighed. "Don't fuck things up Clarke, because I think you're likely to be the love of Lexa's life."

A new wave of tears formed in Raven's eyes when she reconsidered her words. She knew she was right, and Lexa had chosen Clarke, and they were together, and that meant that Lexa would never be with her, but at the same time, looking at Clarke, Raven knew why Lexa had fallen in love with the blonde next to her, and if she was being honest, she was happy that Lexa had found someone, someone like Clarke.

"Let's go back inside." Clarke offered with a smile when she was sure that Raven had calmed down a bit. She didn't really know what to do either, because Raven seemed to be deeply hurt by the fact that Lexa was taken, which was absolutely reasonable, but something about her told Clarke that it was okay.

 

* * *

 

When Clarke left the pub a few hours later, she chose the beach way. The sea was noticeably rougher and the waves were higher but so far, the storm seemed to be sparing them with real damage.  
Clarke paused for a moment and took in the sight of the pitch black ocean in front of her, and although she had seen enough footage of devastation earlier, she felt a gleam of hope rushing through her veins.

With a soft smile on her lips, she slightly raised her chin and took a deep breath. She knew that Lexa knew how to handle this monstrosity, and she knew that there was a chance that she would be safe.

But then again, the meteorologist's words reached her mind, and her shoulders dropped.


	15. Chapter 15

"GO!" Lexa yelled again and Murphy pushed the throttle. They had been fighting against massive waves that kept crushing down onto the vessel for hours, and they were exhausted. In the afternoon of the previous day, a wave had destroyed most parts of the deck, and the damage was tremendous, especially because now, the antenna was gone and with it, the possibility of sending radio messages, and in the worst case  _Maydays_. Wick and Lincoln had insisted on fixing it, but Lexa had denied the request and told them to go back under deck, she would not let anyone risk their life.

So far, her plan of passing the worst part of the storm had worked, however they were going much slower due to the waves that kept throwing them back.

"Skip–" Murphy was shut up by another wave that hit the boat hard, but Lexa quickly turned the wheel and held against it.

"Yeah?" She yelled and motioned for him to get back to the throttle.

"What's the first thing you do when we–ugh", he lost his balance but grabbed the lever again, "when we reach the shore?"

Despite the hell that was raging around them, Lexa laughed. "The first thing I'll do? I'll marry Clarke! And then I'll–" she paused and turned the wheel all the way to the other side, "show my boy how to drink and get utterly wasted! What about you?"

"The same!" Murphy yelled back and they fell silent again, focusing on beating the next wave.

 

* * *

 

Under deck, the rest of the crew sat around the table in the dayroom, clutching anything they could reach to not be thrown around.

"We should have waited!" Wick cursed and threw his fist into the wall next to him.

"It was _you_ who told Lexa to lead the vessel right into this hellhole, Wick!" Atom yelled and Miller nodded in agreement.

"You could've protested, you motherfucking piece of shit!" Wick shouted back and both of them shot up, ready to throw the first punch.

Lincoln was barely quick enough to jump between Atom and Wick before the fight could escalate.

"Guys! This isn't the time for you two to beat the shit out of each other! Wait till we reach the harbor!" He yelled and pushed them further away from each other. Atom clenched his teeth but realized that this was indeed the worst situation for them to start a fight, and he was quick enough to sit down again before the next wave shook the vessel, causing Lincoln and Wick to fall hard onto the floor.

After the two men had managed to get up and sit back down on the fixed bench, they fell silent again, eyes closed, trying not to think about what was happening around them, until Miller slowly spoke. "We won't survive this, right?"

 

* * *

 

Just like during the past few days, _The Leftovers_ had again gathered at Billy's pub. The storm had finally reached their town, and people had begun adjusting plywood panels in front of most windows.

However, the TV screen stayed black since they weren't strong enough anymore to cope with the footage that showed nothing but damage and devastation; the only source they needed was Wallace, the head of the local coast guard. He had promised to keep them updated, but they hadn't heard from him in a day.

Emori had suggested to call him, but the group had agreed on waiting because he was probably busy enough anyway.

They were sipping their coffees when Harper couldn't hold back any longer and was just about to state that she would actually call Wallace now, when the door swung open and he himself hesitantly stepped into the tavern which fell quiet in an instant, everyone looking at him with blank faces.

"If it was good news, he would have called us." Raven said dryly, turning her head back to her coffee on the counter, and Clarke glanced at the brunette, then back to Wallace who slowly approached the bar, his fingers fumbling with the hat in his hands, until he finally nodded.

"We haven't received any signals from the _Costia_ , not even maydays. At this point, we have to assume that they..." he paused to let his eyes wander around, not meeting anyone's gaze though, "did not make it."

At his last words, Raven reached out to tightly grasp Clarke's hand, and the blonde absentmindedly brushed her thumb over the brunette's. The only sound in the tavern came from the clock's sweep hand heavily pronouncing the seconds that passed, each of them feeling like an eternity.

"What about helicopters?" Octavia said after a while and Wallace looked back at her in question. "I mean... send some out to find them?"

Wallace shook his head. "It's too dangerous. Our teams aren't qualified and trained to fly through hurricanes. Also, we have no idea where they are." He waited for a reply from the short brunette, or for anyone else to speak, but the group remained silent, and finally, he nodded and took one step backwards, then another.

"I... will let you know if there are any news. I'm... I'm sorry." And with that, he turned around, empty faces with eyes filled with hurt and disbelief burning into his back as they followed him when he left the tavern.

For a long while, no one moved, until Raven released Clarke's hand and slowly got up to leave as well. "Raven..." Clarke tried to stop her, reaching out to grab her arm but Raven turned her upper body and Clarke missed.

"Let her go." Billy said and gently laid a hand on Clarke's shoulder. "You of all people should know how she feels. She's suffered so much, long before you even moved here." His eyes softened. "Give her time… take time yourself."


	16. Chapter 16

Lexa grabbed Murphy's shirt and pulled him close, and with a strong but calm voice, she spoke. "I want you to go under deck and then you and the guys will put the life vests on, Murphy."

He pulled away and looked at her, his eyes widened in shock about what she had just said. "Cap?" He tried, hoping that he had somehow misunderstood her, but she pushed him towards the door. "Now!"

Murphy nodded and quickly climbed down to the dayroom where the rest of the crew looked up when he approached them.

"What the fuck are you doing here, Murph?!" Atom yelled, "You're supposed to be up there with–" another wave hit the boat, "Lexa!"

"Put your life jackets on, guys!" Murphy ordered with a loud voice, loud enough for them to hear him so that he didn't have to yell, too.

"What the fuck are you talking about?!"

"Lexa's order."

Atom's jaw dropped, and the crew froze. Life vests meant one thing. Preparing for an emergency, preparing for sinking. Of course, this was still just a precaution, but they also knew Lexa, who would never spread panic if there wasn't a serious reason for it. And also, they _knew Lexa._ They exchanged several knowing looks and Murphy nodded, grabbed a second vest and climbed up to the bridge again.

"Skip, here." He said loudly but wasn't sure whether Lexa had heard him, the noise of the crushing waves was almost deafeningly, so he pushed it against her chest, but she didn't even bother to look at it, instead she quickly turned the wheel all the way in and shook her head.

"No, Murph. Take it in case one of yours fails."

"Lexa, you need one too!" He yelled now, tears streaming down his face, tears of anger and the feeling of helplessness. "I will _not_ let you drown when you leave this ship!"

"A captain _never_ leaves their ship!" Lexa yelled back and when she looked into his eyes, he knew that this was her final decision. This was her life. This was what she lived for, and this was how she was ready to let it end.

He could only hope that this was really just a precaution. So far, the vessel had no leaks and although Lexa was exhausted, and slowly but surely at the end of her tether, Murphy refused to believe that this was how it would end, because he knew that Lexa would not give up.

"Aye, Cap." He nodded and slowly moved to the ladder and climbed back down to the rest of the crew, but he left the life jacket on the counter next to Lexa. He at least wanted her to know how much he and the others cared about her because maybe, he hoped, this would help her regain her strength, at least mentally.

And it did.

She tightened her grasp on the wheel and closed her eyes, slowly releasing a breath, preparing for the next hit of the boat into the water surface, when suddenly, the image of Clarke appeared in her mind, the image of the beautiful blonde woman softly smiling at her, and Lexa gave in, a second too long and she instantly lost her grip and slid across the floor when the vessel's bow dove deep into the water, but Lexa was too far away from the insanely fast spinning wheel, and when she finally reached it, it was too late, and a massive wave crashed into the boat's side.

 

* * *

 

Clarke wiped some dried tears off her cheek, and turned away from the window. She had been standing there for hours, she didn't know how long, staring at the rough sea in the harbor that kept sending high waves over the pier, the wooden bench Elora and she had been sitting on so often was long gone.

Passing the kitchen table, she absentmindedly set the coffee cup down on it and walked towards her desk, grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and slowly sat down.

The sheet was already filled with tears when she started writing, and the ink mixed with them into huge stains but she didn't care. She had to write this, she had to get it out.

_Lexa..._

_You're somewhere out there on the deep blue goddamn sea, and I understand now what you mean by being left behind. There are no words to describe my feelings and thoughts, but let me try. I'm feeling and thinking everything that you have tried to protect me from, and more. I feel lonely, and I feel devastated, and the angst and worry about you drive me to insanity, yes. But mostly, I feel anger._

_At first, I thought I was angry that I approached you the first evening we met. But you looked so beautiful up there, with your cigarette between your fingers and that peaceful look on your face._

_Then I thought I was angry about getting to know you better and knowingly throwing myself to the wolves, which complicated my life, yes, but more importantly, it complicated yours. But I do not and will never regret it, because sleeping with you, and waking up next to you... is everything to me._

_But that wasn't it. I realized that I am angry that I let you go. I wish there was a way to turn back time, I wish I could get a second chance, a second opportunity to show you how much you mean to me, a second opportunity to beg you to stay._

_I don't even know why I'm writing this letter. You won't read it if you don't come back, and you won't read it if you do, because then I'll burn it._

_Maybe it's the pain and frustration, the helplessness that I don't know how to cope with. Tell you what, Lexa. I know you're fighting out there, and I can't even imagine what it is like, but I know that this is your life, and I know what it means to you. But, Lexa, you have people onshore. People that care about you. People who would do and give anything for you. Elora. Aden. Billy. Me. Raven..._

_Wherever you are, Lexa, and whatever happens, I refuse to let you go. Don't you dare give up and leave us. Hear me? Don't stay at sea. Come back to us. Come back to me. Please._

_Because I love you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh the feels.


	17. Chapter 17

Two days passed until Clarke went to the tavern again. Two days of an endless loop of crying, staring at the sea, and crying some more. At one point, she had gotten her sketchbook out to draw Lexa the way she remembered her. With soft green eyes and a small warm smile on her lips, her chin slightly raised, looking at the horizon above a calm blue sea.

Clarke had drawn her like that on purpose, because she knew that no matter if or how much Lexa loved her, she had, as Elora had once said, given her heart to the sea, and that would never change. And if this really was the end, if this really was the last time she'd see or draw her, she wanted to see Lexa where she loved to be.

She had seen the weather reports, and she had listened to the coast guard's reports on the radio. Apparently, they had indeed sent out helicopters to look for the _Costia_ and the crew, but they'd had very little to none to go on, since the storm could have carried them anywhere, and after 36 hours, they had called the teams back.

The weather had eased off in the early morning hours, and the video footage of the sea that the coast guard had published still showed strong waves, but the rain and thunderstorms had stopped, and the cold front and the hurricane had used up all their energy until they finally disappeared.

Clarke pulled back the hood of her rain coat and opened the door to the tavern, and Billy greeted her with a warm smile and motioned for her to sit down at the bar.

"Hey Billy," she said quietly, not able to look at him, and he understood, they all felt the same. It wasn't even the thought about the guys and their destiny. What really hurt was, as Billy had said a while ago, that the vast unmarked grave was no consolation.

His words echoed in her head. _The only place we can revisit them, is in our hearts and in our dreams._ A single tear escaped her eye and she quickly wiped it away.

"Hey", Billy replied and waited for her to finally look at him. "Clarke, I know this is hard. But there are still so many areas the helicopters haven't searched yet."

She blinked in disbelief at his words. "Do you really believe that, Billy?" She gulped down a new wave of tears. "Do you really still hope that they're alive? You've seen the videos, and you've seen the weather reports. And _goddamnit_ Billy, you've heard Wallace. After all that, do you really believe they actually, miraculously made it?"

He looked at her with soft eyes for long moments, until his lips formed a small smile. "There is always hope."

She cynically huffed and dropped her gaze to her hands, intensively focusing on her nails that she had kept biting on until the skin around them was sore. Minutes passed in which neither of them spoke, and Billy went back to cleaning the counter.

Clarke closely watched him, unable to understand how he could be so calm after they had lost so many great and important people that they all had grown to love. Another few minutes passed, until she sighed and lifted her bag onto her lap to pull out a small cardboard roll.

"I want you to have this." She handed him the roll, chewing on her bottom lip, and Billy paused to look at her, then at the roll and then back at her. She waited patiently, and he finally took the roll and opened it, and his eyes grew slightly wider when he looked at the picture that he had pulled out. It was the drawing of Lexa, leaning on the railing, looking at the horizon.

"This is beautiful, Clarke..." he said after a while, still looking at the drawing. "It really captures her soul. It's perfect."

"I want you to hang it up in this tavern. I want everyone to remember her as the person she was, and since there are no photos, this is the only thing we have, and I want people to look at her. I want them to remember her." Clarke said quietly, well aware of her cracking voice, but she didn't care.

Billy finally raised his eyes to Clarke's. "Of course."

She nodded and prepared to get up, but was stopped when the man laid his hand on hers on the counter. "Stay, Clarke. The others will be here soon, too. We should be together today."

Clarke paused for a moment, unsure whether she wanted to be with people today, unsure whether she could handle it, but then again, they would all be there for the same reason, so she sighed and nodded, and sat down again.

"Thank you, Billy."

"For what?" He asked softly.

"For... everything. Thank you for taking care of Lexa when she was younger, thank you for always being there for her, it meant a lot to her, you know? She loved you. And thanks for... this." Clarke gestured around the tavern but still didn't look at Billy, instead focused on her hands again. "For always giving us a place to meet and share our thoughts and worries and hopes." She paused, raking her fingers through her hair, considering how to proceed. "And thanks for explaining so many things to me. When I first heard about... the _tradition_ , it hurt, yes. It hurt badly. Especially knowing that Lexa... _would want it that way,_ " she air–quoted, "and what hurt even more was that you were right. However, I am thankful that you taught me to see her life as it is... was... because it helped me understand her, and get to know her better. I... thank you, Billy."

He had been listening carefully but he didn't reply, and he didn't look at her, he just offered her a nod. Suddenly, she laughed, causing him to look up at her, and his jaw slightly dropped in disbelief, his brows knitted in confusion.

"Sorry, didn't mean to laugh." She quickly added. "But I've cried so much, which totally dehydrated me, and then I just talked so much that my throat is sore, so Billy?" She raised her chin and meaningfully placed her hands on the counter, "I could really use a beer." The man nodded but didn't move, as if he was waiting for her to add something.

"Make it two."

Clarke closed her eyes when she heard the soft voice behind her. She didn't open them when she felt Lexa's hand on her thigh as the brunette sat down next to her. She didn't open them when she felt soft lips on hers. She didn't open them when Lexa gently pulled her into a tender embrace.

She was afraid that Lexa would be gone when she opened them, that this was just a dream. But it wasn't, and she finally looked at Lexa, who looked back at her, with that warm and beautiful smile that Clarke had so deeply fallen in love with.

"Is this a dream?" She whispered.

Lexa gently tucked a strand behind her ear and shook her head. "No, Clarke. I'm here."

 

 

_The End._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's a _wrap_ ! Thanks so much for reading this story :)  
>  As always, feel free to share your thoughts with me, here or on Instagram! <3


	18. Chapter 18

 

 

_**Epilogue** _

 

" _Is this a dream?" She whispered._

_Lexa gently tucked a strand behind her ear and shook her head. "No, Clarke. I'm here."_

"Oh God..." Clarke's voice cracked and she slowly pulled Lexa into another embrace. For a long moment neither of them moved, until Lexa raised her hand to gently caress the blonde's back when she felt a soft sob.

"Clarke..." another sob shook the blonde and she buried her face into the crook of Lexa's neck, clinging to her, "it's okay, Clarke... It's okay. I'm here. I'm with you."

After the sobbing had eased off, Clarke slowly pulled away, her eyes filled with wonder when she looked at Lexa, who softly wiped away some tears from the blonde's cheek.

"How...?" Clarke asked quietly.

Lexa remained silent for a long while, then looked at the door and smiled. "I have a great crew." And in that moment, the door opened, and the guys stepped into the tavern.

 

* * *

 

The reactions had varied from surprised and shocked to tears and hugs when _The Leftovers_ entered the tavern where the crew sat at the bar, in a row, with their backs towards the door.

Clarke was at a loss for words to describe the evening and their feelings, since she still could not believe that Lexa was standing next to her at the pool table, her arm laying on her shoulder, softly pulling her a little closer every once in a while to kiss her temple.

The crew had to tell the story over and over again, and they left nothing out. They talked about their successful fishing days and nights, they talked about the moment they had to make a choice and how they decided to go back home. They talked about how they had been sitting under deck for hours, hell, days, and Murphy described how it had been on the bridge, with Lexa. And although they declared her a hero, Lexa did not once say a word. She only had eyes for Clarke, and throughout the entire night, she never left her side.

For the first time, they went to Clarke's home that night.

 

* * *

 

Lexa woke up to the scent of fresh coffee. She had immediately fallen asleep in Clarke's arms, and she hadn't noticed when the blonde left the bed in the morning. She glanced to the alarm clock on the nightstand, 10:49am. _I really must have needed that sleep._ She thought to herself and laughed, which Clarke heard and it didn't even take her a second to approach the bedroom.

"No!" She exclaimed and pointed at Lexa with her index finger, narrowing her eyes. "Stay right where you are! I want to remember you like this. I want this to be the picture that pops up in my mind when I think of you."

Lexa smiled and rolled to her side while Clarke walked to the bed and sat down. Their eyes met for a long moment, until Clarke moved to lay down next to Lexa, and she began to softly stroke over tattooed arms. When her finger reached her wrist, she stopped.

"She misses you, Lexa."

Lexa sat herself up and leaned against the headboard. "I know."

"You should talk to her. She loves you... she has never stopped loving you. Forgive her, Lexa."

Their eyes met again. "I already have."

Clarke sighed but Lexa placed her index finger on the blonde's lips. "Please, Clarke. Don't talk about her... not now."

When Clarke nodded, Lexa's lips curled up into a small smile and she softly pushed Clarke onto her back and positioned herself above her, looking into eyes so deep and blue as the sea itself and Lexa, once again, fell a little harder for the woman. She smiled and gently brushed some stray hair out of the blonde's face. "I love you, Clarke."

 

* * *

 

Clarke had won the fight against Finn, Jacob would stay with her, and Lexa met him, as well as Abby. Around Christmas, Lexa took Clarke with her when she visited her friend, and Clarke finally met Aden.

And on New Year's Eve, Clarke took Lexa's hand and walked her to the new wooden bench on the pier, and for the first time in twelve years, Lexa looked into her mother's eyes before pulling her into an embrace, and she whispered words of love and forgiveness.

A few days later, Murphy tattooed Clarke's name on Lexa's wrist.

At the end of January, they celebrated Clarke's birthday and Lexa, as she had told Murphy she would, asked the blonde to marry her, and Clarke said _Yes._

They married shortly after, in April, and everyone they loved was there; Aden, Jacob, Abby, Elora, Murphy and Emori, Lincoln and Octavia, Wick and Harper, Miller and Bryan, Atom, Billy and Raven, and although it was difficult for Raven, Clarke saw her genuine smile, and they nodded towards each other in acknowledgement.

And on the 1st of June, Lexa threw off the bow line and climbed up the ladder to the bridge, then pushed a few buttons and flipped some switches, and gently laid her right hand around one handle of the steering wheel. She reached the Narrow and blew the horn for Elora, and for Clarke, threw a wave to the lighthouse keeper's kid on Cape Spear and then looked at the vast calm blue sea in front of her with a smile.

_Is there anything better in this world?_


End file.
